a million things to read f you are depressed
by bubbling joy
Summary: An awesome list given to me by Emmett Cullen. Try to picture him doing all these things


10 Ways To Act Like A Retard

_**10 Ways To Act Like A Retard**_

1.PULL ON A PUSH DOOR

2.TALK BACKWARDS

3.SAY YOUR GOING TO MOW THE CAT AND FEED THE LAWN.

4.SAY RAM DOME THINGS.

5.WHEN YOU HEAR YOUR NAME SAY DUMM DUMM DUMM.

6.GO TO A ITAL LION RESTAURANT AND ASK FOR SUSHI.

7.TRY TO SPEAK JAPANESSE TO A SPANISH LADY.

8.TRY TO PAY WITH A CREDIT CARD AT MC DONALDS FOR A 1 DOLLAR THING.

9.ASK YOURSELF A QUESTION AND THEN ANSWER IT.

10.RUN AROUND WITH YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN YELLING "I'M A TREE STUMP"!

_**10 Ways To Be S-T-U-P-I-D:**_

1. Ask For Directions To A Place Youre Already At.

2. Try To Order Pizza From McDonalds.

3. Get Hit By A Parked Car.

4. Try To Watch Saturday Cartoons On A Thursday.

5. Try To Sell Your Money.

6. Try To Play The Alphabet On The Piano.

7. Eat All You Can Eat At A Store.

8. Get Into A Fight With Yourself And Lose.

9. Try To Go Swimming Without Getting Wet.

10. Ask For Diet Water At A Restaurant

_**ATTENTION: ADD IS AUTOMATIC DEATH DISORDER! PASS IT ON!**_

_Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do _you_ ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself._

Nearly eaten by evil flying squirrels before my vampire boyfriend saved me, then I found a flamethrower and vanquished the squirrels shouting "Die, squirrel beasts, die!": LACE DID IT!

Forever isn't as long as it use to be.

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back

Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it

. My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

Before you critisize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

An apple away keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

You're intoxocated by my very presence

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

Life was so simple when boys had cooties

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor

Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

Your eyebrows are as beautiful as an enormus caterpillar.

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

My friend's the kind of person that breaks the silence at a funeral by screaming "KUNG POW CHICKEN"

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Fergie taught me how to spell delicious and glamorous. But not so much tastey!

P.S I never changed, I just got tired of pretending I was happy.

-Did you just call me a bitch? Well a bitch is a dog, and dogs bark, bark is on trees, trees are part of nature, nature is beautiful. So yeah, thanks for the compliment.

-BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom.

-Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

-BE nice to losers. one day they might be cool!

- There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

-Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. -

- What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?  
'Hold my purse.'

- "Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

- You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

- The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

- He who laughs last didn't get it.

- When there's a will, I want to be in it.

-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

-Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

**"I win! Even if you think that you win you don't because I do in my super awesome power!" **

**"See, I'm weird, which is normal for me but being normal for me is weird which I am normally meaning that technically I'm normal because that's weird for me and I am weird. Get it?"**

**Oh, well crap... Hey! Look! A cookie!"**

**"ROCK ABUSE! ROCK ABUSE! ROCK ABUSE! I SPOT A ROCK ABUSER!"  
**

**"It's a... It's a... ITS A DEER AFTER JASPER THREW IT AGAINST A BUILDING FOR KICKING HIM OVER THE HEAD WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO KILL IT AND SCREWING UP HIS AWESOME EYELINER!"**

**"ASAP is fun to say. It's all ASAP real fast and that's just... VOOM! Fastness. But it's amusing. Like dental floss and fried chicken wings, you know? VOOM!"**

**"Oh, hey, LOOK! That boy just fell over!"**

" **Hi, I'm ...uhhhhhhhhhh...ummmmmmmmmmmm...Oh Yeah , Hi I'm ( insert person you re talking to's name here)**

**If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, then youre just like me...retarted – am I making you feel any better?**

**Milk tastes good.**

**A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?" **

**A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."**

**A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"**

**A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"**

**A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"**

**I'm the kind of girl who would get fired at the M&M's company for throwing out the w's.**

**I'm the kind of girl who gets drunk off soda and loves every minute of it.**

What the heck is gum made out of? HOW DOES IT DISOLVE! Jeez! I've tortured myself with this for weeks...

**Top 75 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator **

**When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. **

**Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. **

**Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. **

**Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on. **

**Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" **

**Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" **

**Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. **

**Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. **

**Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play. **

**Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking. **

**Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. **

**Ask, "Did you feel that?" **

**Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. **

**When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!" **

**Swat at flies that don't exist. **

**Tell people that you can see their aura. **

**Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it. **

**Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" **

**Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" **

**Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. **

**Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly. **

**Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. **

**Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. **

**Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. **

**Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on". **

**Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!" **

**Put police tape in front of the door before entering. **

**Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you. **

**Hold an auction. **

**Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved. **

**Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male. **

**Throw a rave. **

**Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei." **

**Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral". **

**Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again. **

**When you brush past someone, whisper "Was it good for you too?" **

**Lean over to another rider and whisper 'Noogie patrol coming!'" **

**Have a heated debate with yourself. **

**Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers. **

**Drum on every available surface. **

**Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter. **

**Give psychotherapy to the other passengers. **

**Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them. **

**Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it. **

**Propose to the other passengers. **

**Challenge people to duels. **

**Sell girl scout cookies. **

**Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor. **

**Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..." **

**Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror. **

**Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a lighter. **

**Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out" for the weekend. **

**Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers. **

**Shout "Food fight!" **

**Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!" **

**When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. **

**Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back. **

**Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce! **

**Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!" **

**Make sushi. **

**Press your nose against the other passengers, and say "You know, this is what the Eskimos used to do before having sex." **

**Shave. **

**Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops **

**moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat. **

**Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection. **

**Practice your kung fu. **

**Make race car noises when people get on and off. **

**Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?" **

**Fly a model airplane. **

**Do yoga. **

**Play the accordion **

**Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat. **

**Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit. **

**Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone. **

**Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure." **

**Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word. **


End file.
